What it feels like to start over at 30

Walking with Fear, Failure & Art

A write a love letter to my little self, and my older self simultaneously as I wrote this piece and made this video.

A/N: I spent way too much time trying to convince myself I don’t need to make this video. I sat on this script for a long time, trying to piece things together, wondering how I could convey this message. I then decided to sift through the very few videos I have of myself, and then decided that maybe it’s okay to take videos of how I am now. It was scary making this video and it was too raw, too much of myself. But isn’t that what art is all about? Showing yourself despite your fear of being seen, being perceived. Talking about what’s inside you for aching strangers to see, read, watch? This video is not perfect but it’s here.

I feel so much writing this, recording it and finally making the video.

If the messages in this video connects and resonates with you, I just want to say you’re not alone. It’s okay to start from scratch. You’re not late. You’re not old. You’re doing your best.

Do it for you. Walk with fear. You got this, friend!

Where do we go from here?

As a child I’ve never really belonged anywhere. We were always moving. I was always changing schools. I don’t remember any friend I’ve made during elementary school. I actually don’t even know if I made much friends or if I got along with my cousins at all. 

There was always this distance between me and everyone. I don’t know. 

What I do know is that I stayed inside and I drew. I drew and watched movies, and watched  anime. I stayed inside and tried to draw the characters I watched. 

I thought that was my thing. Art. Drawing.

I wasn’t the pretty kid. I wasn’t the smartest kid. Certainly not a sports kid. But I was always the art girl. And so I tried to form an identity outside my physical appearance. I caught the art kid identity as it was budding and I held it tight.

Even when life threw curve balls, stones and boulders at me, I held on to that bud.

I knew what i wanted out of life despite it’s start being so rough and hard. And I thought that it was good because a lot of people didn’t know what they wanted out of life. 

When I was twenty five, I was able to replant that bud. Slowly water it. Start. Practice. Practice. Practice. Learn, learn, learn. Drawing every single day.

It was hard, it was tiring, it was fun, it was scary. Eventually, I grew an intimate but solid audience and community, I leveled up my illustrations. 

ONIBENI has more than 600 finished illustrations in her portfolio. Not including, of course, rejected sketches, abandoned sketches and practice drawings. From 2019 to 2022. I showed up. 

I showed up for my dream, hoping it would blossom. More than  600 finished illustrations in four years. 

I thought that was my thing. Because I knew what I wanted out of life. I knew what I wanted to do. 

I thought that, if this was the thing that’s been planted in my heart, I could run with it and if I work really really hard, it will happen to me.

It didn’t go as planned. I had to stop slowly. Hoped to slow down an engine that’s been going 300 miles per hour for the last four years.

Then, I went away for a year. No art. No drawing. Just grieving. Just thinking. Just living outside my identity as an artist. All the while, thinking: What if i continued? What if i pushed just a little bit more?

What if. What if. What if. 

What if I was just not good enough

What if I was wrong

What if I just stop? 

What if I wasn’t as good as i thought I was. 

“Where do we go from here, Future Beni?”

One important thing: I’m 30 years old.

I’m thirty. And I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. I want to relaunch, I wanna do it again. I wanna do other things, too.

And I am afraid. And I don’t know if I should do it because there is this thing that’s like a black fire in me, and it feels like my insides will eat me alive. 

I’m afraid of many things. And the taste of failure never truly goes away.

It’s smeared all over you. It stays. It lingers. A wound gone bad. There’s so much fear. Fear because I know the taste. I know the taste of working 13 hours a day— showing up, doing every single thing for a small business that didn’t take off. 

I know the burnt taste of nights where it was easier to stay awake drawing than sleep with my thoughts, “are you sure?” “there are better, younger, more popular artists out there”.

“This isn’t going to happen for you”

“You’re too late,”

“You’re not good enough”

“You’re not even that good, so why are you trying?”

“You’re too old.” 

“You’re too late.“

And it does feel too late. It feels like any further effort will amount to nothing. 

I used to say, “I quit ONIBENI because it wasn’t happening for me”.

The more I uttered those words the more my demons grew stronger.  The more they banded together, against me. Stopping me. It’s scary. It’s tiring. It’s a constant back and forth. 

So I thought: okay if you’re not gonna give me this. Maybe it’s time to look for a job. 

I spent a year looking for a job. 85 rejection e-mails received. One phone interview. One factory tour. One zoom interview. One proper irl interview. And then, nothing. 

Is it me?

Maybe it is me.

Maybe I AM NOT THAT GOOD after all. 

and I’m already thirty years old. 

And I have to start from scratch. And I’m scared.

I’m thirty and I am starting from scratch. 

Dear Future Beni,

I don’t know if I should take this leap. I’m so scared I could faint. But there’s this feeling in my heart. If I don’t do this, there is no point. It’s either I put my everything on this, everything on the line —not that I have much to begin with— or just d_e. 

I’m thirty and I am starting from scratch. 

And it’s okay. I’m learning that it’s okay. 

This unreal and unrealistic expectations set by our parents’ generation, our peers and the media: having the house, the nice things, the kids by the time you’re 27? If you have this, if you have all of this and you’re at this stage of your life—I’m happy for you. I genuinely am.

But for the majority of us, especially with the current state of the world, it’s not that easy. 

I don’t want to be pessimistic but I sometimes think “future Beni, maybe it will never be easy”.

I’ve experienced the lowest and the darkest times of my life early on, and I believe that this isn’t even as worse as those dark days but the fear is always so strong. 

Especially without friends to hype you up.

Especially without a family to support you 200%. 

Especially when the voices inside of you: doubt, frustration, insecurity is often so loud, so natural, no normal. So convincing. It’s hard to be your own cheerleader. 

But in the past few years, I have had the luxury of alone time. True alone time. No external noise but sitting alone with your inner noise. I’ve had the alone time to reflect, alone time to enjoy my own company and alone time to process the many things that I’ve experienced. Not everyone is afforded such luxury and downtime, unfortunately. 

As I close my twenties, I experience something unexpected and new. A familiar and yet novel kind of peace and understanding for the experiences I’ve had and am having in my life. 

We can be afraid. It’s better to feel afraid. We are afraid because it’s an instinct deep within us that is meant to keep us safe, even though those instincts might not be relevant in this modern day. 

These feelings are here, the unknown is here. 

I’ve been learning that we are the only ones to decide when we fail. And that is when we fully stop. 

I’m learning that it’s okay to feel these intense feelings, it’s better not to label them as good or bad. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel hopeless. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to feel. 

then,

Once you’re done feeling and processing everything, you can pick yourself up again. You can walk with your fear. You can start from scratch. Even at thirty. At fourty. At fifty. At seventy. 

You’re not chasing anyone and no one is running behind you. This is your life. This is your timeline. This is your own pace.

No one has taken the same path as you. Up until now, no one has had the same experiences as you. No one has stepped the same steps as you.

So why are you running after a shadow that’s not meant to be guiding you? 

Why should you compare your journey to another?

I’m afraid. I’m so afraid I cry myself to sleep thinking about my art, my dream. Thinking about where to go next. 

“What if I fail?”

“What if this is it?”

“What if I’m not good enough?”

“What if I don’t get the job?”

“What if they don’t like what I make?”

“What if they don’t like me?”

“What if I’ll never lose weight”

But you’ll never know. Nobody actually knows.

You’ll never know unless you keep going. You can only be certain of an outcome once you’ve decided it’s time to stop. And though there is courage and strength in learning when to stop, when to let go: have you asked yourself?

“Is this really the best I can do?”

“What if I can go further?”

“What if i kept going anyway?”

「後悔のない人生」That’s what i want. 

A life with no regrets. 

So what if…

What if you were wrong?

What if you just stop and think… on the other side of this self-doubt spectrum?

What if you believed that you were capable?

What if you believed you are brilliant?

What if you believed you are hardworking and that you have the capacity to act on your dreams? Chase them?

What if you have perseverance, grit and determination inside of you? A potent mix that’s better than sheer talent. 

What if you showed up?

And walked with fear?

And so I walk: forward. Along with fear, holding my demons gingerly along the way. With my chest proud—battered, tired, not as physically strong and reckless as I used to be ten years ago— but relentless in this pursuit of self development, learning and trying. 

It’s okay to be afraid. I’m afraid. Everyone’s afraid. You only do yourself a favour if you still do it anyway. 

And no, don’t do it for anyone else. 

Do it for you. 

You are the evolution of your little self. And the seed planter for your future self. 

Do it anyway. Be afraid and do it anyway. 

Walk with fear. Because you’re not alone. I’m walking with you too.